Back from Break - Good or bad?

It’s amazing. My final spring break has come and gone already! That means the semester is halfway over and that before I know it, it’ll be May 16th and I’ll be graduating (hopefully). Unfortunately, one of my most hated days of the entire academic year happens just after break. The day we return to school after break is over is a bad day for me, mainly because everyone is exchanging their Spring Break stories about where they went (usually Cancun, or somewhere else tropical that is taken over by college students for a few weeks each spring), while I sit there having spent the week primarily in bed so that I have the smallest of hopes for making it through the rest of the semester. I used to go away every year for break, had fun, and came back the day before the semester restarted. However, that’s not possible anymore. If I even try to go away, I have to plan for three or four days at least to rest before trying to get back to school. So that leaves me with about three days to enjoy a vacation, which is not nearly enough for most destinations.

It’s another day that highlights the differences between me and my classmates. Other days include the day we come back to start the spring semester, when everyone is again, exchanging vacation stories, while I am still recovering from having a six inch needle stuck into my spine so that I can try to be somewhat comfortable for the semester, provided it works (it’s a 50/50 shot each time, no pun intended). Now, on one of the days that is supposed to become a great happy memory, I’m going to have to struggle and fight to see if I can even get to the part where they give out the diplomas. For the past month, the school has been sending me letters with the etiquette for the graduation ceremony, and one of the biggest things they have stressed is that no one may get up and/or leave until the ceremony is over. There’s no way that I could spend four or five hours in those uncomfortable plastic chairs they have at the arts center without causing myself an incomprehensible amount pain, and probably not make it through the keynote speaker, let alone the ceremony, especially since communications goes last. I’m hoping that the school will make accommodations, as required by law, so that I can attend the event, but I don’t know what they’ll be able to do for me, or if they’ll even be willing to work with me to find a way I can participate in the ceremony without the excruciating pain.

But, first, I have to make it to graduation. Hopefully, I will, but with my back, there’s no promises, which is what makes life so difficult. I could feel fantastic today, better than I’ve felt in ages, but then tomorrow be right back in the same pain nightmare I’ve had for the past four years. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll be fine, and my parents keep assuring me that they'll do whatever it takes, even if they have to hire a limo to drive me (that would be pretty nice. I'd actually be able to get something done on the way, and not have to deal with the traffic on 287, which makes that idea all the more attractive to me!) As the pain has gotten worse, the unpredictability has gotten increasingly worse, which is what worries me the most. My pain has been really bad this week, even though I was resting as much as possible, so who knows if I’ll make it through next week, let alone the next two months. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to stand it if I don’t make it to graduation again. This is the first time I have managed to attend a full-time schedule in the spring semester after another full-time schedule from the fall semester. I haven’t had a solid year of full-time classes in the past 4 years, and the spring semesters are always the worst. If I didn’t have to drop all but one of my classes last spring, I would have been done in January, but because I dropped three of them, I had to return for this semester. I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t think there would be any way to control the level of depression and disappointment I’d have if I don’t get it done with this time. All of my friends have graduated and gotten jobs, so I’m behind my generation (I graduated from high school in 1999.), but I’m so much older than most of my classmates, I’m ahead of that generation too. It’s sort of a generational limbo that is most uncomfortable. It’s just another thing to add to the list of difficulties I’ve found since starting this nightmare four years ago.